


Hidden Scars

by Nad98



Series: Between Black and White [11]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Good Friend, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Graphic Description, Happy Ending, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romantic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29116758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nad98/pseuds/Nad98
Summary: The day at the beach escalates when a wound gets opened Roman had hidden for so long.Cuddles, midnight drinking and new plans ensue.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Everyone, Deceit | Janus Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders
Series: Between Black and White [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1810210
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

The weather was still warm and the sides were spending the afternoon in the Outdoors. Remus, Logan and Virgil were playing with a water ball in the sea, Janus was reading under a parasol, Patton was building a sandcastle and Roman was sunbathing on a towel in the sand.

The afternoon was nice and maybe they only now realized how worn out and in need of a small break they had been. It was because of that that none of them really paid mind to the time passing and how the sun slowly but surely sunk down the horizon. Especially not Roman who had fallen asleep on his towel and could not react to the daylight slowly fading away.

Dusk sweetly spread an orange light over the gentle waves and Patton lost himself looking into the colourful sky and sea. Janus glimpsed over the edge of his book, observing Patton fondly and then letting his gaze wander over to Roman, who was moving a bit and appeared to be waking up. With that Janus went back to his book as Patton got up to walk to the edge of the water to call the three water rats back to the land.

Roman had fallen asleep on his belly. He had been surrounded by mellow sunlight and warmth which resembled his own, guiding him in a restful sleep. But consciousness was getting back its grip of him and before Roman really was awake the lack of warmth shook him. With a little groan he forced himself to open his eyes.

The first thing he saw was a long-drawn-out shadow. Dark, slick and very much attached to him. And suddenly it was all he saw. Blackness enveloping him, entering his body and slowly sucking away the live of him. And he was unable to fight it.

Scorching screaming.

All three sides in the water and Patton threw their heads around to see Roman screaming his lungs out. He was kneeling on his towel, back to them and his fingers dug deep into his upper arms, blood already dripping out from the penetrated skin. Virgil was overwhelmed by deadly terror, Remus had started sprinting as well as he could, despite the intense pain suddenly surging through him and Patton followed him on the heel.

They weren’t the one reaching him first.

Roman was caught in a nightmarish world of pain, despair and dread. He felt like he was being torn into two halves and Janus was sensing him break there and then. He didn’t know why. But he needed to. Yet first he needed to stop the Prince from breaking and so Janus shot from his chair and got down in front of Roman. Without realizing it he had summoned his additional arms, lowest pair holding down Roman’s thighs, middle pair grabbing his hands and pulling them away from his arms and the highest pair reaching for Roman’s fear struck face.

“What is there, my Prince? What do you see?” Janus asked with a voice not sounding like his own.

Roman’s eyes were closed and he was trying to curl into himself, disappear from here. Janus felt him attempt to actually sink out in his state but held close and repeated his question in a softer tone, lulling and soothing his words with a power he didn’t even know he could control.

“Darkness”

And suddenly, the sky in the Outdoors became pale blue again, sun high above them shadows small and almost no longer there. And it wasn’t either of the twins’ doing.

“There is no darkness. No thing that will ever harm you, my child. There is light around you and you don’t need to hurt anymore.”

Roman grew lax and Janus caught him, cradled him to his chest, realizing in horror what he had just done and watching how Remus and Patton finally having reached them. Remus fell down on his knees next to Janus with a pain-stricken face and trembling limbs.

“Down. Lay him down. Down. Down. Down. Down.”

Slowly, Janus lowered Roman under the sound of Remus’s repetitive mumbling, ignoring Virgil and Logan as they joined them as well. He was about to lay Roman on his back as Remus stopped him with ice-cold hands shaking his head.

“No. No. No. NO back. Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain-”

“Okay, honey. Okay. I’ll lay him on his belly then,” Janus said feeling his just functioning mode slowly crumbling under Remus’s desperate pledges.

“What the fuck. What the fuck,” Virgil repeated kneeling to Roman’s other side and warily touching Roman’s shoulder.

Janus looked from Virgil to Remus. He couldn’t deal with them as well. He needed to focus on Roman. Needed to figure out what was wrong and how he could fix it. In his helplessness he looked up to Patton, seeing the oddly hard expression on his face and instead immediately turning his attention to Logan, who was standing four feet away from them in utter shock. Apparently, Janus had to be the most reasonable side for the time being.

“Patton?” Janus said with a small voice and with only a short glimpse, Patton understood got over to Virgil’s side and pulled him lightly away from Roman’s unmoving body, so Janus could focus on him and his distraught twin.

Roman’s back was hot and Janus felt a wetness on his hands despite not seeing any fluid on them and made himself look away from the Prince once more to check in with Remus. The Duke was shaking and clearly in pain. His eyes were filled with tears and emotions, pupils contracted and hands pulled close to his chest in fear. Janus had never in his life Remus seen so tense.

Except from that day when Roman had put a fire in the imagination.

“Little one,” Janus began faintly tapping Remus on the arm and successfully getting his attention, “is he in pain? I do not see any illusions on him, but you seem hurt too.”

A shadow rushed over Remus’s face. Remorse. He opened his mouth, a shaky breath escaping him and his hands twitching towards his brother’s body.

“Don’t be mad…”

Janus smiled at Remus and shook his head.

“Oh, I won’t be mad, little one. Please. Just tell me what you know so we can work through this.”

Remus gave a slow nod after what felt like an eternity and simply inched closer. With pressed breaths he lowered his hands over Roman’s exposed back. For a moment Remus paused, just looked down to him.

With almost no strength to his voice Remus whispered: “I’m sorry, Ro. I know I promised I wouldn’t show them. I know it was important to you. But I can’t keep it anymore. Can’t let you be hurt anymore.”

And then Remus stretched his fingers out, a sickly green light emitting from his hands and dropping on Roman’s skin.

Patton sharply inhaled.

Logan sunk down on his legs.

Virgil wanted to surge forward and hold his boyfriend but Patton held him back.

And Janus and Remus simply stared on Roman’s back, where an open wound glared back at them.

It looked like someone had violently scratched Roman from the top of his left shoulder blade down to his right hip. The mark was wide and deep. Made more so with force rather than with sharpness. Near the shoulder and the hip, the wound was partially closed, scab having formed over parts of it. Yet near the middle of his back the wound was open, red and the edges of it seemed infected.

“I don’t understand…” Remus said with a weak voice making Janus looking over to him and ignoring Virgil’s panicked whining. “He said, he had it under control… It was closed. We had fixed it and it was closed. It was closed! The wound was closed! He was fine.”

“He’s not fucking fine!” Virgil yelled ignoring Patton who was telling him to calm down.

Janus glared over to him and shot back viciously: “We know! That’s why I’ve put him to sleep, so we-”

“What did you do to him?! What the fuck have you done!?”

Virgil’s voice trembled from the dark echo and Janus had the hardest time to restrain himself from scooting away and hide from the furious side.

“I made him ignore his pain for a short moment! I was not aware I- I didn’t know I could do that but I can undo it and like this we have time to figure out how to help him! And now remain-”

“Remain calm?!” Virgil laughed under tears and yanked Patton’s arm away only for the Dad side to catch onto him again and pull him further back. “You’re shaking! You’re shaking, Remus is crying, Logan is unresponsive and Pat’s not saying a word! Roman is dying and-”

“A side can’t die from blood loss.”

Immediately Virgil shut up. In a weird anticipation all sides turned to look at Remus, whose face had gone deadly pale. His smile was wide and absolutely fake as he continued speaking and make all sides hearts drop.

“Roman bled out and he’s not dead. I was with him the whole time. I saw each drop leave his body and he still kept breathing. Breathing. Still breathing.”

In Janus head was only white noise. Patton grappled Virgil in his arms trying to not have a mental breakdown himself. And Logan looked from Remus down to Roman. Looked to the Prince who had pulled him away at night when he studied for school without a break. The Prince who pulled him into his room in the dead of the night to drink beer when they shouldn’t. The Prince who had rant sessions with him where they got to be annoyed about all those people who didn’t understand Thomas. Who didn’t get how hard it was to be a teen or a young adult.

Logan didn’t like the things they said back then anymore. He didn’t think they were all true anymore. He didn’t think he would say things like this anymore. But this was the memory he made with Roman and Roman alone. A memory that helped him through the grief he had been left. But until this very moment it had never occurred to Logan that this memory could not be repeated anymore. That he wouldn’t get a chance to sit together with Roman and just lament and rant to each other.

That Roman could become a memory and nothing more.

Logan looked back up to Remus. He concentrated hard on his words, concentrated hard to ignore Virgil’s sputtering and scooted closer to Roman’s body.

And then he asked without any inflection: “How did that happen Remus? Could you please recount this particular set of circumstances? I think the information will be needed to solve the situation at hand.”

As Logan spoke, his arms were trembling and tears streamed over his cheeks as his expression was completely blank. Virgil stopped struggling and slumped back against Patton, who pressed his hand over his mouth and held onto Virgil now rather for comforting himself instead of restricting Virgil. And Janus’s mind was at once silent as he watched Remus look up to Logan and gulp.

“Okay,” Remus said, pausing and letting a few waves clash against the beach in the background before he continued, “I’ll tell you, Logan. I’ll tell you. I – We… I’m not sure what it was exactly. We were eleven, I think? We were in the Imagination. Playing just like always. I didn’t do – do anything! It wasn’t a creature of mine, nothing from the Unconscious. It was a shadow and it came out nowhere and it came from behind for Roman. We had no time to react and Roman was already screaming. It was terribly loud and my ears felt like they were being stung by bees and my bowls picked apart by vultures until he suddenly stopped screaming and just fell down and bleeding all over the place. I didn’t move him because I wasn’t sure if I would make it worse and I sat there for so long, and nights and days went by and I made sure that nothing else happened to him until he opened his eyes one day and I got him to the – to the healing- a healing place we have and they helped me patch him together. He – he wanted to keep the light on at all times and made me swear to never- never talk about it again? And he, he – I – we created a thing, to keep the – the scar away from your conscious? So, Pat couldn’t feel it and – and Jay couldn’t see an illusion? I – uh – I kinda used the Subconscious and in retrospective it was very dangerous and stupid but – but I wanted to help and I didn’t know better and – J? J? J can you, can you do something? J? Please? Can you fix it? Can Patton fix it? Can you heal it?”

Janus looked down to Roman’s body. Looked again over the scar. This was not something that could be healed. It wasn’t a physical injury like he had initially thought. This was something else and he had the feeling that he was unable to fix it in the way Remus hoped he could.

Slowly, Janus changed his position and placed himself in front of Roman before he softly lifted him and laid him in his lap, making sure to give him enough air to breath and not move him anymore than necessary. He didn’t look up to the others. Didn’t see how they reacted when he took a deep breath.

“I don’t think so. But I might be able to figure out what happened and how we can help him deal with it,” Janus answered, gazed upon Roman’s head and saw how the world turned red for a moment.

* * *

For a moment there was a flash of Remus’s face in front of him. A shocked and worried boy and then suddenly the world went black.

Thomas was eleven. They were at a family gathering, he was playing with his cousins, making up stories and having fun. He was loud and ran around, bumping into an uncle as he pretended to hunt down a dragon.

The uncle stared at him angrily and as he bumped into him a second time he snarled and told him to stop.

And then he added: “Why bothering to make up stupid and meaningless stories? What do you think will you do with that in the real world? Do you really believe they have any merit or worth, child? This stuff won’t help anybody and you can’t change a thing by playing out a stupid story for children!”

And there was what had broken him.

* * *

Janus opened his eyes, feeling how the left one stopped glowing red. He let the scene replay for a moment. Let the feelings mull through him. The man had been agitated, possibly a little tipsy. He had wanted to upset Thomas but Janus didn’t remember Patton lashing out or crying over this comment. No, Thomas just had looked at him, had apologized for bumping into him and gone on playing with cousins. 

“He took a hit for the heart.”

Janus looked over to Patton, wiped a tear out of his eye and waited for a reaction.

“What?” Patton asked trembling.

“He took a hit which was meant for you. Of course, he would. He had to... He is our shield after all.”

And it was then when they all felt Thomas’s pull. For a second they froze. He was having an anxiety attack and they needed to act.

“I will go up and assist Thomas. I trust you will help Roman out of his predicament,” Logan said and simply sunk out.

Janus looked at the now vacant spot, feeling a sense of dread arise as he pictured the logical side aiding Thomas through a possible anxiety attack.

“I’ll go help him. Virgil, will you be okay here for a moment?” Patton asked and got up from behind the anxious side.

“You just trust him with this?! I-” Virgil protested before Patton put a stop to it.

“I know you are stressed but he is not here to hurt anyone. I know this has happened before but this is not what is happening now. We need to be smart about this, Virgil. Thomas needs us and that includes Roman. And right now, Roman needs Janus and Remus to be here. You can stay with them or come with us but fighting will not solve anything.”

And with those words Virgil grew quiet. Patton looked at him, as he eyed Roman and then Remus and lastly Janus. He kept looking at him for a long moment, thinking about past times when they all had messed up together. And then he turned back to Patton, gave a nod and left with him to go and care for Thomas.

Janus sighed in relief before he began to slowly explain to Remus what he wanted to do next. Roman had to be woken up and he would have to confront Roman about what had happened in his memory. For that Janus asked Remus to create a dome above him and Roman, which would give them a sense of privacy and would ensure that Roman felt save, since it would be his brother’s magic which was surrounding and protecting them. Also, it would give Remus control over the situation as well. Something that the Duke desperately needed in these stressful hours.

Janus watched Remus snapping a shirt on Roman and gently moving him into a more comfortable position. Then Remus halted and tenderly stroked over his brother’s cheek. He must have done the same thing back when they were children, Janus gathered as he watched Remus pulling his hand back and then looking up to him.

“It was when you two were gone for three days, wasn’t it?” Janus asked already knowing the answer.

“… In the Imagination it was weeks. But for y’all it was just three days. Pat was angry at Roman for disappearing without notice. I offered Roman to strangle him for that but he refused.”

Janus remembered. Patton had been angry, yes. But it had been more worry behind it than true rage or disappointment. Not that they could have seen the difference back then but today Janus knew that.

“Will you start now?” Remus asked and Janus gave a slight nod.

Remus got up and stepped a few steps back. Janus placed himself to Roman’s side, a few feet apart so he would not crowd him too much when he would wake up. He then shot a look to Remus, wordlessly asking him to create the dome.

There came a silent gulp and the small voiced ask: “Be gentle with him. Please. He’s in pain. Try to make him feel better…”

Janus nodded again and looked down to Roman’s body. Looked down to the bruised ego, he himself could be, had this particular trait stayed with him. Yet it hadn’t and now he and the new ego were about to sit in a softly lit dome.

* * *

The air wasn’t hot anymore and there was no longer the feeling of uncomfortable dryness on Janus’s skin. And with that realisation he slowly lifted his magic from Roman’s sleeping form. He watched as the Prince slowly moved, winced and sat up. To his surprise Roman kept his eyes shut and got himself into a sitting position.

Janus made a step back, letting Roman hear him and understand that he was not there to threaten or control him. A few more moments passed and Roman pressed his knees against his chest and waited for Janus to make the first move.

And the first move Janus made.

“Hello Roman.”

“You lied to me… I am hurt.”

“You don’t seem to be too mad about my lie. Tired seems to be more fitting description for your current state.”

“That’s because I am tired. I’ve been lying to myself, haven’t I?”

“Continue.”

“I am – He was right, wasn’t he? I mean, not in every way of course. Creativity is needed to some extent. Stories are needed to some extent. But what I’m doing, **my** contributions aren’t making any differences, are they? I can’t save the world. I can’t change the course of history. Not like Thomas could if he had followed Logan’s advice.”

“Roman. Please-”

“Be honest. Don’t sugar-coat me. Tell me what you honestly think.”

“… We cannot know if Thomas will change the world. And while the possibility is very small that he can do it, it’s not impossible either-”

“Stop. Tell me what you believe then. Tell me if you believe that he was right and Thomas won’t change shit with his current career.”

“I do not believe that Thomas will change the world. But I do not know that for sure. And I don’t know that it would have been any different if he would have chosen a profession more to Logan’s liking. But what I do know is that this career brings Thomas far more joy than his old one did. I am aware that he could find joy in other professions as well but this is the one, we have now and it is working out well for us.”

“Yes, for Thomas it’s working out but there are so many other people we could help and save and better their-”

“We are Thomas’s Sides, Roman. We do not work for the world but for him. _You_ work for him. You are his ego. You are his creativity and passion. You are there to motivate him, to show him what he wants and what he enjoys. And you are good at motivating him and showing him what he likes but you need to work on figuring out what he wants _besides_ helping people. And while I am not one to advocate for helping out others, I have to tell you that we _are_ helping. Maybe not in dramatic, princely ways as you’d imagine, but we bring content out into the world, which people enjoy and can indulge in. Just as we indulge in things that make us happy. Our work brings people a place where they can rest and what would be more important than resting in this fast pace world?”

“I… I’m failing right now, aren’t I though? I gave Thomas an anxiety attack. Because of existential dread and irrational pain. Not existing pain even. We’re just figments of the imagination! How can I not just snap out of it!”

“Roman you are not failing; you are simply overwhelmed. You have been for a long time and it’s only now about time that you can actually let your walls down and work through this with us.”

“But I am the Shield! I’m there to catch those blows! What kind of shitty shield am I if I cannot even deal with such a stupid comment? I – I have done this so often in the past and I still can’t get this right! Why can’t I get this right, Janus? Why am I wrong?”

“You are not wrong Roman. You never were. In fact, you were probably far too good at being our shield than you should have been.”

* * *

The dome they were in slowly faded away. A gentle breeze brushed over their skin and Janus sat down behind Roman. Logan, Patton and Virgil were back, sat close by Remus and Janus ignored them masterfully as he concentrated on the side in front of him.

“You fight for Thomas every day,” Janus said gently and watched as Roman sat up a little straighter, “every hour and every second of your existence. You always have and we are bound to fail at our jobs. We are aspects of one single personality, we cannot see over our own limitations. And yet you did. You adapted and considered what we would do if we found out about this scar, didn’t you? You thought of the consequences what this could mean for us. What it would make us feel. You knew it would frighten Patton, would make him feel guilty. You knew that Logan would want to help and fix it but this is not something to simply fix. Maybe you did not know what Virgil or I would have done but I fear neither of us could have helped you improve your situation back then. And so, you chose to hide your pain. You chose to shield us from something we could not possibly fix even less comprehend.”

Janus knew that Roman had his eyes still closed. It gave him the illusion to have control over the shadows that haunted him. But Janus hoped that he could nudge him to trust them all a little more. To open up and let them see the pressure he was under.

“Thank you for hiding, Roman. You did an excellent job at hiding it from us and protecting us from pain we were unable to even remotely process. But you can stop now. I promise you that you can stop now. We can help you carry this burden. We will help you carry it,” Janus said and hoped that Roman would listen and accept their help.

The waves hit on the beach. The wind whistled along the shore. The scent of salt was in the air.

This place was safe. As safe as it could be. Roman knew that. He was in control in the Mindscape. More so than any of his fellow sides but Remus. And still, he was scared. Scared of being hurt again and fail to protect himself again.

“I’m supposed to be brave… And yet my behaviour does nothing but prove that I am a lousy coward,” Roman said in a bitter tone.

Roman then slowly opened his eyes and let go of his knees. With a shaking breath he leaned forwards, put his hands on the ground to balance himself and stood up. Behind him he heard Janus standing up as well. He listened closely and heard Virgil playing nervously with the zippers on his sleeves, Remus breathing through his mouth and Patton sharply inhaling. And while he didn’t hear Logan, he knew he was with them as well.

He would have to face them. But first he looked up into the blue sky. Cloudless and plain. Not quite right. It had never been quite right in here, nor in the imagination. Maybe the sky could never be clear inside of Thomas’s mind.

With a huff Roman turned around. As he expected, all of them were here. They all looked at him. For a second he wanted to gauge how they all felt but felt exhaustion overtake him and shook his head.

“I’m sorry for the scare,” Roman muttered and rubbed his forehead. “It’s laughable that a simple shadow could do this to me… Anyway… I’m still a little out of it and would like to _not_ talk about this right now.”

Remus gasped but Janus nodded and told Roman: “You set the boundaries. We will support you as soon as you are ready for it.”

“But-” Remus butted in but stopped as Janus turned to him and lifted his hand as a sign to stop.

“Leave him be. We have to accept his need for space and let him set the pace for these talks. We do not want to force someone into a corner.”

Roman raised his eyebrows. He gaped at Janus. Looked at him observing him with this very look of fear, confusion and – yes, it was remorse. The look he had shot him after the nod had been remorseful. That was another realisation he had to sit down with.

He sighed once more and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I think I’ll need to go to my room for now,” Roman said and looked once more to Janus.

The deceitful side nodded gracefully and Roman started walking towards the exit of the Outdoors. Virgil walked after him, was about to hold him by the arm, as Roman flinched away. He gulped and looked to Virgil. He looked hurt and afraid.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry, Virgil but please don’t touch me right now,” Roman said exhaustion dripping into his voice and defeat settling in his head. “I want to be alone for a bit. Just a moment. I won’t go into the Imagination and I won’t do anything stupid. Just give me a moment to … collect myself. Okay? You can come and check on me, the door won’t be closed but please just give me some space.”

Virgil had pulled back. He looked so hurt and worried. Roman’s eyes darted back to the others. Logan’s face was absolutely devoid of emotions, Remus looked distraught and Patton was shaking but didn’t seem to want to stop him.

Roman halted and looked over to Janus. Maybe it was time to prove him that he trusted him.

“I’m tired but they should know. They need to know what’s up with the scar. I want them to know. Maybe you can help me with that? You saw and maybe you could… Could you tell them for me?” Roman asked while balling and unclenching his fists nervously.

He watched as many emotions crossed Janus’s face, eventually settling on slight surprise and then he asked: “Are you certain? I am sure they can wait until you are ready. You don’t need to divulge this information if you don’t want to.”

Roman let his shoulders relaxed ad looked down to the grass between his toes. It was a nice feeling. A comfortable one. Maybe he could feel like this more often when he wouldn’t have to hide this big crippling secret on his back anymore.

“I think, I’m ready to be known. I can’t tell it myself yet, the words won’t come out but-” Roman looked up, directly to Janus – “I trust you to be my voice for now. I don’t want to hide anymore and I would appreciate it if you could help me stop hiding.”

“But only if you want to, of course,” Roman added despite knowing far too well that Janus was going to say yes.

The nod came and Roman turned back to the exit. He walked slowly towards the little corridor leading back into the Aquarium and stopped on last time before leaving for good.

“Thank you, Janus. I appreciate your consideration.”

* * *

With a grunt Roman cleaved the head off of the wooden target with his katana. The wood fell unclimactic on the floor and Roman relaxed his stance. With a flick of his wrist the target disappeared and was exchanged for a new one for Roman to behead.

Roman had been training ever since the reciting of A Midsummer Night’s Dream had begun to make him think and feel too much. Thus, he switched activities to destroying wooden targets. It required a different kind of focus and he could channel his upsetting emotions and hack into something that was meant to be demolished. It was very satisfying in a weird way.

Just as he was about to get back into a fighting stance there was a little knock on the door. For a moment Roman contemplated before he said: “Yeah?”

“Can – Can I come in?”

Roman huffed and let his katana down to go up to the door and open it. In front of it stood a nervous looking Virgil. He glanced up to him and only loosened up a little when Roman smiled a little and stood to the side to let him in.

Roman didn’t need to ask if Janus had told them; he knew when Virgil did a doubletake to see Roman’s bare back. He watched him sit down on his couch and asked if it was fine if he trained a little more, to which Virgil agreed. The emo started scrolling on his phone as Roman went back to training and demolished a few more wooden targets before he finally settled down and went to sit down besides Virgil.

“Does it look closed?” Roman muttered and looked down into his lap.

Virgil stumbled for a moment before he leaned back a bit to look on the scar.

“Seems to be closed. Does it hurt you?”

Roman shrugged and let himself lean a little against Virgil.

He noticed how Virgil hesitated to put his arm around him and gently told him: “It’s fine. You can touch it. It doesn’t hurt more than usually, if you make contact with it. It’s a pretty fucked up wound, you know?”

Virgil just nodded and put his arm around Roman and they sat there in silence for a while. They just let time pass and exist within each other’s presence in peace after such a taxing day. Roman ended up laying his head on Virgil’s shoulder and the anxious side started comfortingly purring in response, hoping that it helped calming his boyfriend a little bit.

As it turned around 7 pm the creaking of a door let Roman look up and he saw Remus sneaking inside through their shared door. In his hands was a large bowl of seemingly still warm spaghetti. Roman gaped at him in confusion and Remus stopped in his steps.

“Poppy… He made food and I thought you might be hungry?” Remus tried carefully.

Roman huffed and waved at his brother to come over. In a flash Remus had run to the two others, the bowl was set on the coffee table and three plates, three forks and ladle to take the spaghetti out were summoned so the three sides could eat in a decent manner.

Remus sat closely next to Roman’s other side, constantly touching his brother as if to make sure he wouldn’t simply slip away. Roman didn’t comment on it and after they all had eaten for a bit he asked if they should put on a movie. A discussion started to develop as a tiny knock break through their words.

Roman stood up to get the door. As he opened Logan stood in front of him. Again, wearing a mostly neutral expression he met Roman’s gaze.

“What is it, specs?” Roman asked maybe a bit harsher than anticipated.

“I…”

Logan closed his mouth again and looked to the side. And then suddenly he cracked. His face turned sad and gripped his right upper arm with his left hand, pressing harder into the skin before he glanced up to Roman.

“I was concerned… I do not wish for us to lose another Creativity.”

Roman let go of the door and instinctively made a step towards Logan. He saw the tears glittering in Logan’s eyes and knew that he had to change that immediately.

“Oh, specs,” Romans said ever so gently as he put his hands on Logan’s upper arms, “you’re not even close to getting rid of me. The only one who could actually do that, am I myself, and I have no intention of leaving you ever.”

The flickering in Logan’s eyes asked _Really?_

And Roman answered in kind as he pulled him into a hug.

_Yes, really._

With that Logan joined the other three and got his own plate of spaghetti even though he didn’t need to eat. As for the movie, they decided to go with Meet the Robinsons and by the end of it they were huddled up together, plates lazily sitting on the coffee table and Logan’s yawns filling the room.

There wasn’t a big discussion, no fight or questions as Roman pulled Logan up and looked to the other two, motioning them to follow him upstairs. A bit apprehensive the two followed Roman and Logan upstairs and the group ended in Roman’s bedroom.

“It’s bigger than I remember,” Logan mumbled looking at the bed and snapped himself into a navy pyjama shirt with long sleeves and matching pants with constellations on it.

Not hesitating one moment he climbed on the bed, as Roman snapped himself in his sleep shirt and shorts and told him with an eyeroll: “We’ve grown a bit since we were teens, specs. Also, why shouldn’t I have a big bed? I don’t use this room that often so it doesn’t matter if it takes up ridiculously much of space.”

Logan simply nodded and patted to the space to his right. Roman sighed and looked to the other two.

“Do you want to join? It’s kind of a ritual and-”

Roman couldn’t finish as Remus jumped on the bed, suddenly wearing a white t-shirt and boxers and settled down on Logan’s right, snuggling up to him aggressively. Roman sighed and Virgil chuckled before he snapped himself into a black pyjama with skeletons on it and lightly shoved Roman towards the bed.

“You’ll be in the middle Mister! After today, you’ll need to be cuddled furiously,” Virgil joked and let Roman crawl next to Logan and laid down to Roman’s other side on the left side of the bed.

There was a bit of fumbling around, all four adjusting and getting themselves tucked into the blankets. Then the big light was turned off, fairy lights softly glowing in their stead. Roman was laying on his belly, both Logan and Virgil having thrown an arm over his back and Remus was clinging to Logan. It was a little warm but soon none of the four was awake enough to complain about it anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

It was late in the night. Janus sat alone in his room, well aware that he and one other side were the only ones not sleeping.

_“So we just let him walk away...” Logan mumbled with a neutral tone but a raw voice._

_Janus turned around gulped. He looked at them all, saw their worries and unhappiness written over their faces. They were unhappy with him. Patton might have understood but still, he only wished to care for Roman, to make sure he was fine._

_And yet Janus could not let them storm after Roman. He needed to keep him safe. He needed to make sure he wouldn't be hurt and he could only ensure that if Roman got time for himself._

_“This is not me just letting him go, Logan,” Janus insisted and clenched his first to keep it from trembling. “He is helplessly overwhelmed and while he should not have kept this to himself for so long, we are also to blame. And we need to let him calm down and collect himself before we get to badger him about this more.”_

_Janus looked back over to the exit before he turned and looked over to their table underneath the crooked tree. Patton followed his eyes and silently walked towards it without waiting for the others. Janus rushed up to him and the three younger sides followed with downcast heads._

Janus shuddered under the story he had retold them. He hated the thought of Roman fighting this on his own, of feeling responsible of his own misery. Not even Remus knew and Janus didn't know what to make of that either.

When he had finished, Logan was paler than a sheet, Patton held Remus's hand and Virgil was close to hyperventilate. But he didn't. Instead, he snapped at Janus.

_“How can you tell this so calmly! How can you just let him leave so easily despite knowing that?!”_

Janus scoffed.

_“Easily?!” he had yelled as he stood up and made the chair behind him fall backwards. “Nothing about this was easy for me! A part of Thomas was in a critical condition! Roman was in a critical condition and we simply didn't notice! We wouldn't even know of it, had he not fallen asleep at the wrong time in the wrong place! He - we could have lost him or hurt him even more, Virgil, and that's on me too because I was so fucking certain he couldn't hide anything from me! For the second time I right out failed and it caused him such immense and unnecessary pain.”_

Janus felt the tears in the corners of his eyes again. When Virgil had seen that he was trembling and very close to break out crying, he had apologized. Logan had excused himself shortly after and Janus followed soon.

Remus, Virgil and Patton and stuck together until Virgil went to Roman and the two others made dinner. Patton had brought him his plate and left him eat it in his room as he wished.

Janus was not sure when Patton had eaten. He knew that in Roman's room the four youngest sides were sleeping but it didn't do much to calm his nerves. Not when he saw the tiny cyan spec of light shine through his keyhole. Resigned he got up and left his room. The corridor was dark. The faint glow of cyan from the living room guided him.

And then Janus stood in the doorframe of the living room. At the table sat Patton, swarmed by a good dozen of cyan fireflies. His glasses reflected their lights and two wineglasses and a bottle reflected them as well.

A huff. Patton looked up, over to him but remained silent.

“Never accuse me of being dramatic again,” Janus said and sat down at the other side of the table.

He could sense a smile on Patton's lips. That was enough for now, Janus decided and watched Patton fill their glasses with red wine, he assumed.

“In the mood for alcohol, Morality?”

The jab held no venom.

“Would have taken something stronger but since we're going talk for a bit, I decided to not go with something which would knock us out after one drink. And you enjoy the aesthetics of the glasses,” Patton answered quietly and put the bottle aside.

The lights got a little brighter and their faces were now illuminated. Patton scrunched his nose and slipped his glasses off his nose. Shortly he massaged his temple and then let out a sigh. 

“What is it, dear?”

Patton grinned forced and answered: “Logan's nurturing a headache. Nasty one. Poor thing isn't used to cry. It was even worse when we had the fight after the first therapy session.”

Janus patted Patton's arm until the latter gave a soft shrug and lifted his glass. Janus did the same and they toasted to each other, taking their first sip. 

“Well, you choose wisely with the wine,” Janus commented and slightly rotated the glass in his hands. “Shall we now speak about bitterer topics?”

Patton looked down, eyes glowing cyan and cold. Janus felt cold.

“He is so much like you, isn't he?”

Janus knew Patton was right. He had thought it so often lately but still. He could never have said it. It always felt like an insult to the strong, stubborn Prince.

“The pride,” Patton continued to Janus's dismay, “the smile, your performances. It is so, so alike and it always has been killing me. Over years and years, we didn't properly talk, didn't really see each other and still you were there. Through Roman. Through his wants and desires and sheer force of will, which is so much like you. I see him and I see you and it's not fair. To either of you.”

“Yes, because he is better than I.”

The glare Patton shot him should have killed him on the spot.

“We are not going down that route. Am I understood?” Patton threatened the cyan lights flickering forebodingly.

Janus chuckled and looked away for a moment.

“He is a good kid, Patton. So, so good. He tries so much to do what is ask of him and he's made such a convincing persona for himself.”

“Just like you did.”

The words were spoken so softly. So, so gently and Janus closed his eyes.

“You loved light colours, now you only grant yourself a spike of yellow in all this black. I remember the shy looks, the wobbling steps and the soft giggles. You were so afraid that Logan might have given up his Curiosity, while you basically buried this child within you just to make a compelling antagonist.”

Janus didn't know if it was still true. If this really had been him after all those years. He liked the dark. He had learnt to, certainly, but he liked it these days and gentle, shy to clumsy weren't words that fit him anymore. He was smooth, sly and calculating.

Well, to some extent at least.

“They do make me soft, don't they?”

Virgil and Remus always had him wrapped around their fingers. But Virgil asked so little of him, how could he possibly deny him anything when he finally found the courage to ask? And Remus? Well, Remus hadn't asked for things. Never. He sometimes stated that something was off but he never asked Janus or Virgil to fix it for him.

Janus fixed everything as well as he could. Supported and helped as well as he could.

And now, additionally he had Logan and Roman. Logan's genuine smile rendering him unable to say no to anything he said. Those consuming indigo eyes making it so easy to care and worry for him, despite him insisting that he did not need help.

And Roman reminded him so eerily of himself. The will to do everything right, to keep everyone safe, to do anything that has to be done to keep things rolling. The small moments when he let himself lean back and be gentle, mostly around Virgil and in secret probably around Remus too. And he loved him. He loved these things about him despite it always seemed that those qualities made Janus weak in the past. That his care and affection made him too vulnerable.

“They don't,” Patton said at once far too softly. “They just get you out of your shell. You've always been soft for us. And you know I adore that about you.”

Janus huffed. Maybe Patton was right. Maybe it wasn't so bad.

He took another sip and looked at Patton over the rim of his glass. He saw the wrinkles around Patton's eyes and mused for a moment if he should say anything. Then Patton said something first.

“And I resemble Remus... Don't I?”

“Don't frown. We both know he is far better than you made him out to be. He is vital to us all and you know it!” Janus scolded with no fire in his words. 

Patton fiddled with his hands and stared down at the table. His lips were shivering and Janus found himself reaching over the table and taking his hand.

“You are both loyal to a fault. Neither accept to leave our pain unacknowledged but both overplay your own. You are both sensitive but so very strong because and despite of it.”

“We're broken,” Patton said and focused onto Janus's left eye.

Janus clicked his tongue and tiled his head as he rebutted: “He did not choose to be broken, Patton. This happened to him. You chose this to some extent.”

“I am aware... But still I. I cannot get over it.”

“Over what?”

“The Paranoia, Janus. The Paranoia and what it did to us.”

For a moment they just stared at each other. Blunt was another word that fit both Patton and Remus. Janus sighed and stood up, wine glass in one hand the bottle in the other.

“Since we are going to talk about this, we might as well get comfortable on the couch,” Janus proposed and the change location from the table to the couch.

Well, Janus sat on the couch. Patton sat in front of him on the coffee table with a musing expression. And at once Patton’s gaze hardened. He clenched his fists and Janus steeled himself for what would be coming next.

“I know I was too extreme when I cut off the ties, Janus. I am well aware,” Patton began, pictures from their standoff flashing in his mind. “But I – I was so, so angry at them and myself. They hurt Roman and Logan so much. And do not tell me you know, because you do not! You don’t know how they have suffered! That they were standing next to me was a miracle, Janus. Neither of them was strong enough to keep standing, to keep holding on as long as they did! I – I carried Logan to bed! I read to him to keep him well fed and it took us so long to have him on his feet again.”

_“You must be joking!” Janus shouted but Patton did not budge._

_To his right stood Roman, sheepishly avoiding the look of his brother. To his left stood Logan, his look hollow and fixed on the wall unable to fully engage in the conversation as he was far too preoccupied with standing upright. Roman had helped Patton brining Logan here, after the logical trait had insisted, he should be part of the conversation._

_“I am not, Deceit, and you know it. This has gone too far and I cannot and will not accept you three compromising Thomas any longer.”_

_“What- Are – Are you banning us from being Thomas’s sides? We are just doing our jobs! We-” Remus piped up, Virgil next to him glaring wistfully at the floor._

_“Your jobs?” Patton cut him off coldly and shot him a look far too vicious to come from the happy pappy father side. “If your ‘jobs’ are to make Thomas miserable and hate himself then I think we can make do without y’all.”_

_Remus’s mouth shut close and Virgil’s shoulders were shaking. Janus stood between them and glared at Patton with disgust and disappointment._

_“You will regret this,” Janus said and turned around pulling Remus with him by the arm as Virgil simply sunk out._

_The Duke protested but not much of it came through to Patton as Janus sunk them both out. His attention was back on Logan and he manage to catch him just in time before he hit the floor. Roman winced and tears shone in his eyes as he looked at Patton._

_“It’s okay, kiddo,” Patton said so gently and adjusted Logan’s weight against him so he could free one hand and hold it out for him. “I’ll make it all okay. It will be good again, promise. Now, let’s get you something nice to eat and watch as I get Lo to rest for a bit, huh? Sounds good?”_

Tears of anger sparkled in Patton’s eyes and he clenched his jaw. This all hurt so much. It made him so mad and sad at the same time. He hated feeling like this. He hated having this anger and rage in him and he wanted it gone so badly.

“Roman was so quiet,” Patton continued looking down at the glass sitting next to him on the table. “He looked so guilty. Today it makes sense. Of course, it does! He must have cut off ties with Remus after this and I – He... He was so tired on overworked. Neither he nor Logan had energy and it was so hard to keep them trying to get better. It was so hard helping them finding joy again... Logan’s voice broke so often after this. The times he cleared his throat, restarted sentences and couldn’t speak up made my stomach twist. Roman was so uncertain of everything. He was afraid to imagine things because they could escalate and there would be hallucination all over again. I had to sit with him and write fairy tales just so he was certain that it wouldn’t escalate and it broke my heart getting these looks from him every time after he finished a new sentence.”

Patton sighed and buried his head in his hands. Everything that had happened was so terrible. It had been so terrible to go through this on his own. He had been so, so lonely during this and he hated how much he pitied himself for it. He had not even been hurt during all of it. He at least had been able trust his mind and abilities to function the intended way. He had not been driven into madness and pain.

“I am sorry.”

Patton looked up from his hands. Janus looked at him with remorse and exhaustion in his eyes. With a sigh Patton took his glass again and emptied it. Janus filled his and his own anew and they silently toasted again.

“I should have insisted on helping you with this. I should not have agreed to your decision. I should have fought for us...” Janus said after a few moments.

Patton snorted miserably and raised his eyebrows.

“I should not have made that decision in the first place. It wasn’t fair on you. Don’t-”

“You are our heart, Patton. You are ought to make decisions based on emotions. You were mad and sad. You had to do something to make it stop. It was my responsibility in this very case to mediate and make sure that it would not escalate. And I failed miserably. We both did, for the record, but it wasn’t just your fault. I made Virgil and Remus worse. I caused part of the paranoia as well and I failed miserably at keeping my boys together...”

Remus had freaked out immensely when he discovered the white patch of hair on his head. Janus had almost had a panic attack when Virgil’s left eye had turned black and he had admitted that he saw worse on it since then. They circled around each other, walked in circles and the second they touched conflicts sprouted. They were so scared and sore. And Janus had let them hurt each other more, while he retreated in his room sulking and composing himself.

He should have done more. Should have done something differently. But he hadn’t and now all of them had to live with the consequences.

“I am sorry, truly, Patton. I wished it was different but it is not. Now things are like this and we have to deal with them. And frankly, you being angry at them might be a good first step. It might also be good if you were angry at me, you know? I too am responsible for their pain,” Janus said and looked from his glass over to Patton.

The cyan lights danced around Patton’s face. Without the glasses it looked so foreign. The small wrinkles around his mouth and eyes were so much more prominent and there was this sensation of yearning in Janus’s chest. This need to touch his cheeks, to feel the cool skin and just stare into Patton’s eyes for all the time they had left on this planet.

“We both know I am bad at being angry,” Patton said with a husky voice.

Janus snickered and watched a faint grin appear on his friend's lips.

“You’re simply not used to it,” Janus corrected gently. “If you do it more often, you won’t have these raging fits again. Anger is something natural and it has its place within us, Patton. You are allowed to be mad. It means you care about the things that have happened to us. To you. You just shouldn’t bottle them up again and let them hurt you or others when they inevitably come out. Because they will come and we both know what happens when we unleash our anger at the sides we love.”

Patton pressed his lips together. Janus was right. Patton knew he was. The problem with anger was just that it was such an active and energetic thing. Unlike sadness it made you want to do things, made you want to fight and change and some part of Patton was afraid of that side of him. He was afraid of what happened if he started acting again. If he started fighting and improving again.

Maybe this was what they needed, Patton thought and gritted his teeth as he levelled Janus’s look.

“I’m angry with you about one thing,” Patton began and sat his glass down as he uncrossed his legs and gripped the edge of the coffee table.

Janus drew back a little and waited. He saw Patton struggle with the words in his head but didn’t say anything to not discourage him from continue talking. A second after Patton started though, Janus wished that he had stopped him.

“I didn’t like him. I will admit to that. But I did try to understand and support him. I tried because that’s what we were ought to do and what is right. He could be brash and stubborn but he was just as vital to Thomas as Logan, Virgil, you or I. And you did not even _try_ to like him. You were hostile and mean with no reason but the fact that he did not listen to us. And now you are the one telling both of the twins that they are allowed to differ and be whatever they want to be. I’m not saying you shouldn’t tell them that or that that’s not true, but this proves you could have done it for him and simply chose not to do it. And while I think I know the other reason why you chose to do that I can’t forgive you.”

Janus looked away from Patton. He summoned a blanket and buried himself in the fabric as he tried to bite back a remark to Patton’s statement. It was true. The bitter truth. He could have taken his heart away. It would not even have been his choice but it would have happened and Janus still could not get over it. How should he? He was the petty one. He was the side that kept count of all the people and things that had hurt them. Of course, he was unhappy with him.

“But that’s not important,” Patton said after a moment of Janus sulking. “My hurt feelings are nothing compared to the damage that was done to Logan. And after all of this I do suspect that the twins might be affected of it as well. And Virgil knows things. He knows a lot more than he lets on and we act as if he didn’t, don’t we?”

Janus mused over the question for a moment. The alcohol was taking its first effects and he felt himself getting slower.

“We do, I’m afraid. I came to realize it when he stopped us from getting Logan after the latter and Remus had the argument a few weeks back. It makes sense that he knows so much, as he is responsible for observation and caution.”

“Yeah, and he liked playing with him and telling him stories. Virgil probably missed him too. Well, and Logan misses him still...”

Janus would have liked to deny that but he knew that it was true. Logan was grieving. And today he had been confronted with the possibility of grieving a second time. He had seen Roman it is very lowest and completely shut down because of it. Janus was familiar with the reaction and he was aware that Logan could see that himself. He had grown after all. He had admitted to his pain and the grief within him. He tried to be more open with his emotions and Janus was grateful for it.

“I promised them to address it.”

Janus’s eyes went wide. Subconsciously, he shook his head as Patton sighed and continued: “I said we would go to the Imagination and figure things out. When we are ready, I said. And I don’t know if us two will ever be ready so it’s probably better to go now instead of waiting any longer.”

Janus despised the thought. He despised the idea of going into that part of the Mindscape. He was scared of it to put it simply. And he had only been inside there the time that Roman had set the fire and Logan, Remus and him had gone after him to get him back. It was unknown territory to him and there were so many things that could and would go wrong in there and he would be unable to stop them because there the twins were in full control. It was terrifying.

“Remus cannot hear his name without almost fainting, Janus. Logan said that feeling sad is normal for him. Roman believes that he has to take each hit thrown at us, so we do not get hurt and Virgil has to correct our behaviours because we are too short-sighted to see our repeated mistakes. We have to help them change, Janus. We are the only ones who ever properly did change and while we weren’t great at it, we can, no, we have to offer them our help. We made mistakes. We are hurting-” Patton paused and pointed towards Janus’s itching scales and clenched and unclenched his fist with audible cracking noises - “But it gave us an armour, they do not have. Remus and Virgil’s injuries and shortcomings may be way more visible but Roman and Logan are compromised as well and we need to teach them how to live with that. We have to be honest with them. We have to help them find the truth, J. We need to figure out what’s buried in this wicked imagination. We need to find out what happened to him.”

Janus nodded in defeat. He took a sip of wine and so did Patton. They emptied their glasses and filled them again. Janus started crying after the third bottle and the cyan lights huddled around him, brushed his skin and scales and made him hurt less. Both of them wanted to sit together, to cuddle, but they knew that Patton was too cold now. He would make Janus sick and despite being more than a little tipsy they knew better than to do that.

They wouldn’t inconvenience Thomas or the others anymore. They would do their parts and help them all getting better.

It was their only chance to also make things better for themselves. And they wanted to feel better. They really did.

But for now, they stayed together in the living room. Neither wanted to be back in their rooms, being exposed to the effects of them. In silence they drank and Patton ended up laying down on the coffee table and staring at the ceiling, as Janus summoned even more blankets to drown himself in. Hours went by and they stayed together, enduring the heaviness and hurt in their chests and the slowly coming headache from their drinking.

It got brighter in the Mindscape and Patton summoned his lights back. With a loud crack from his back, Patton rose up from the table and Janus squinted at him out of his blankets.

“Coffee?”

“I suppose that _doesn’t_ sound good.”

Patton nodded and stood up, followed by the sound of every possible bone cracking in his body. Janus got up as well and walked slowly after him, so he would not lose any of his blankets. Patton made a short detour to retrieve his glasses, as Janus sat down at the little table in the kitchen. Then Patton turned on the coffee maker and got mugs for the two of them. The sound of the slowly boiling water was heard along the kitchen and Janus closed his eyes again as he waited for Patton to get everything ready.

A few minutes passed and Janus heard Patton put the mug down in front of him. He opened his eyes and acknowledged the gesture with a grateful nod. In response, Patton faintly smiled and leaned against the kitchen counter with his own mug in his hands.

They both looked dishevelled and hungover. Patton was far away from his happy positive self and Janus felt far too many things within his chest all at once. But as they were and looked at each other they didn’t mind. They didn’t mind to be like this. It was nice to be broken together for a moment or two.

And then there came a little chatter. Mostly from Roman and Virgil, the two oldest sides quickly discerned. There was yawning and it was a rather soothing sound until Janus remembered the state he was in and was about to fix himself in a more presentable attire just to stop when Patton simply shook his head to tell him to wait. And Janus relaxed and buried himself deeper into the blankets.

Warily, Janus eyed the kitchen entrance, waiting for the younger sides to show up. It was Roman who walked through the door first and stopped after merely three steps causing Logan to bump into him and jostle the Prince quite a bit. Janus watched Logan rub his eyes as he pushed his glasses up and was about to ask Roman why he had stopped when he finally noticed Janus in his blanket fort and then Patton leaning against the counter with a cup of black coffee.

“You look like shit,” Remus noted and leaned over his brother’s shoulder and eyed Patton and Janus. “Did you have a rough night?”

Janus first instinct was to scold Remus for the suggestive eye wiggling but any words got stuck in his throat as Patton snorted to everyone’s surprise. In an overtired and exhausted giggling fit, Patton managed to barely put his cup on the counter before he doubled over from laughter. That he was the only one laughing was not helping the tense atmosphere and when he finally began to cool down a little the others were deathly quiet. Patton lifted his glasses to dry off his laughing tears. His hands made a cracking sound as he was at it and Logan and Roman began to suspect that he might have overexerted himself.

“Oh kiddo, I wish we’d look like this because we had some rough action, but we were just talking,” Patton finally said and got them all to stare at him even more baffled than before.

Ignoring their looks Patton stretched his back and looked to the ceiling. He collected his thoughts. It was hard to concentrate with all the left-over alcohol in his system but he needed to do this now. Otherwise, his suddenly discovered bravery would disappear and they would keep putting off this conversation even longer.

And so, Patton steeled himself and let his gaze fall on Roman. He did not put on a happy pappy smile but let his blooming headache and squeezy stomach show in his expression.

One last breath and Patton said: “But you look a lot better since yesterday. I’m glad. I’m glad you could calm down and feel a little better. I -”

Patton took a measured breath. He shot a look to Janus. He was uncurling himself out of his blankets and stopped the motion as he met Patton’s eyes. It was hesitant but he nodded and Patton knew it was fine for him to continue.

“Janus told us what happened to you and why it happened. I don’t know what to say but that I wish you wouldn’t have to have gone through this. Especially not on your own or otherwise. But it happened, you have the scar and we will have to adjust to the knowledge and move on. And as for moving on I, well I did promise you -” he points towards Logan - “that we would figure out the things with Creativity. And while I don’t exactly know how to solve it, we probably should start in the Imagination.”

He let the words sink in. He knew it was much for him to admit. It was weird for him to initiate such a thing but he needed to do it. And he was the only one to do it. He let himself look at the group in front of him. Remus looked weary and Virgil worried. Logan simply overwhelmed and Roman had this peculiar look of protectiveness in his eyes.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, padre. I am certain Lo will be able to help us solve all of this without you having to come into the Imagination,” Roman said.

At the offer Patton began to grin and closed his eyes. He let himself dive a little deeper into Roman’s feelings and found the warmth only Roman ever felt. It was filled with care, with love and passion and the sense of pride. It was what wanted to keep them all save. It was ingrained in Roman to follow these emotions and sensations and Patton was grateful for how far he has come with them.

“I do not like to think of going inside the Imagination,” Patton admitted and opened his eyes again to look at Roman, “but this is something we should all help you with. Also, admittedly, his departure left an impression on me too and I’d like to reconnect with the place where he spent most of his time. And see the places you two go to all the time. It probably will lessen my worries quite a bit if I actually know what’s it’s like instead of simply guessing. So, do you think we can set a date for our visit there? Is that something you’d like to organize for us?”

The last question had been directed towards both twins and they shared a tense look. Remus was clinging to Roman’s arm and Roman was skidding on the spot he was standing on. Patton gave them a moment to decide and meanwhile concentrated on Logan and Virgil. The latter was walking further inside the kitchen and squinted his eyes both at Patton and at Janus. He gave off an anxious vibe but not as much that it would have worried Patton. Logan on the other hand didn’t seem to know what to focus on. The possibility and offer that had just been laid out for him came to unexpected for him. Just the idea that he could maybe find out what happened to his old friend and visit the Imagination were too much for him to handle this early in the morning.

“We are quite serious about this,” Janus suddenly spoke up, apparently having seen logan’s distress as well.

The logical side looked over to him with wary eyes and so did the rest. For a fragment of a moment Janus’s eyes flickered over to Patton before he almost smoothly cleared his throat and said: “While I have only been to the Imagination once, and my experiences weren’t too agreeable, I have to agree with Patton that a visit is overdue. So, we can finally address our current pains.”

As Janus spoke, he made an effort to first look at Remus and shifting his look to Virgil as he ended. Virgil straightened his back and his bangs moved with him, letting Janus see the two differently coloured eyes. There was a purple spark in the black one and then Virgil relaxed and turned to look at the twins. Neither Janus nor Patton could see him but Virgil smiled first at Remus and then at Roman.

“Welp,” he mumbled huskily, “I’m not against adventuring with you guys. Like, if someone could make this fun, would be my Prince and the trash King, right?”

In unison both twins began to smile broadly and Roman gave a final nod to Patton.

“We should be able to arrange it! Let’s say next Saturday night, or do you think we’d need to coordinate everything, Rem?”

Remus tilted his head and let go of Remus to twirl around in a thinking circle, before he draped his arms over Virgil’s shoulders and answered: “Nah, we can do Saturday. By then we should have briefed the staff and found save routes for the squares.”

“Did you just use the term “square” to describe me?” Virgil yelped incredulously and managed to get a laugh out of Roman and Logan.

Both Virgil and Remus bickered a bit and Patton wandered over to Janus. Both their headaches were worsening over the noisy discussion but they weren’t going to interrupt them. Not when they had their fun. Patton put his hand on Janus’s shoulder and the snake looked up to him with a fond but little pained look.

Janus blinked. And suddenly the pain was gone. His chest felt a little cool and he realized what Patton had just done. Appalled he wanted to ask him why, when Patton just shook his head and kept Janus form talking.

Tiredly, Patton told Janus in a whisper: “I’ll lie down and leave you in charge. I wouldn’t want to be Thomas without your and my advice at the same time. But don’t think I’ll sober you up all the time now, Mister. This is a once every two months thing, because of two very rebellious teens.”

Janus frowned and was about to ask what he meant when Patton began to walk away from him and gently passed by Virgil.

“Hey there, Pat,” Virgil said and broke off his banter with Remus, “where you’re heading?”

“Oh, yeah, I, I’m going for a dad nap, ki- Virgil. Sleep off the hangover and drink some water. Because I love you all very much but my head’s buzzing and everything is freaking loud. So, if you excuse me-” Patton said and began to walk away before he halted again next to Roman.

Roman caught his look and wanted to ask what he was thinking, as suddenly something changed in Patton’s demeanour and he felt himself straightening up. Patton rubbed the bridge of his nose and pulled up is glasses, so they ended up sitting on his head.

“Right. I wanted to say this.”

Roman scrunched his nose and Patton smiled a small smile.

“Janus told us that you said you were the shield, right?” Patton asked almost softly.

Roman nodded and said: “Yes, I am. It’s my symbol and purpose.”

Something hardened in Patton’s eyes. He shook his head, the tone of his voice got slightly colder but even more gentle.

“That’s not true. I heard Janus say that and it’s not true. He and you are wrong. You, my Prince, are not the shield but the shield holder. You stand upfront and protect us with it but you are not the shield. And that’s a very vital function. Which is why you should not get hurt yourself and why you duck behind the shield, so you don’t get hurt either. Because, if you are hurt you cannot hold the shield anymore and none of us can hold it like you do.”

Patton paused and licked his lips before he nodded to himself and continued.

“But ducked behind the shield you cannot see where it’s pointed. You cannot see what’s coming and that day the danger came from the wrong direction. And that was not your fault. You cannot see behind the shield and no one else of us saw the danger to warn you in time. This was not your fault. It will never be, Roman, and I need you to know that. I need you to know that you were not hurt because you were stupid or wrong. This was an accident which was not caused by anything you did.”

Roman felt his chest tingle. He didn’t know what to say. He just looked at Patton standing so tall in front of him, with such a clearness in his eyes. As if he reassured a young soldier on the battlefield after a lost fight that he had done good. Then Patton’s eyes wandered over to Remus and Roman almost felt how Remus straightened up just like he did.

“You’re both more than the weapons you carry. And you are far more valuable than they could ever be. Do not risk your lives to keep your weapons intact. You might fight for us, but first fight for yourself, as hypocritical it might sound coming from me. Okay?”

Almost they both replied with a “Yes, sir” before they stopped and simply nodded. Patton nodded back, squeezed first Roman’s shoulder and then Remus’s before he finally left the room in a marching step.

A rustling of blankets falling on the floor. Four head turning towards Janus standing next to the small kitchen table. The small side pressed his lips together and waved them towards him. Cleared his throat.

“Let’s make us some breakfast. I will check on him later,” Janus simply stated and the others complied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...
> 
> We've got moceit but not romantic nor platonic mociet but very intense moceit and I love their vibe together, ya know?
> 
> Also, this is a seat up for a multipart fic if you weren't aware and if you're intrested you can keep an eye on the Between Black and White series. So, for anyone who sticks around feel welcome and for all of those who are still with me: Thank you a lot. You're comments give me life.
> 
> Love y'all, please take care and have a wonderful day<3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Another installment in the Black and White Series! Hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Please leave a kudo and a comment if you liked it!
> 
> Love y'all, please take care and have a wonderful day❤️


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